Some days, parenting is hard.

My children are beautiful.  I fully admit to being extremely biased in my opinion.  I think they are amazing and they fill my heart with love every day.  I am constantly in awe of what they know and how they learn and what they can do.  They have shown kindness and tenderness in unexpected times and sometimes a maturity beyond their years.

However, other times, they act exactly as you would expect small children to act.  When they are tired, when they are hungry, or just because, they can make poor choices.  They are kids and it's my job to teach them compassion and self control and hopefully, to make good choices.

Yesterday, there was a situation that I'm still upset about.  I find when I have these strong emotions, it usually takes about 3 days for me to get over it.  I know I will get over it, but my emotions must run their course...

Wyatt and I had a full day out yesterday.  It was a wonderful day that involved a lot of time outside and some swimming and playing on the playground.  He and I left the house with the girls in the morning and we didn't return home until the girls did in the afternoon.  For a little guy, that's a long day.

Every evening (or most evenings) I take the children downstairs to the common area in our condo.  They have made great friends with the other children here and they love to play with them.  Wyatt really wanted to bring down his tug of war rope, and I let him.  In my head, I thought, Oh, this could go badly.  But, I also think that I don't let Wyatt be a boy often enough.  I find the way girls play to be less stressful to me, and so I shy away from the more physical games the boys play.  I let him bring the rope downstairs.

Not surprisingly, the boys found it to be great fun.  They played nicely with it for a little while.  I watched from a little bit away, and thought they were fairly evenly matched.  Things got a little out of hand...  One boy was taking the rope and running away with it.  Wyatt got stressed.  I don't know exactly what happened next, but I saw Wyatt hitting one of the boys.  sigh. 

I got up and went over.  Wyatt is standing on his own in tears.  I took the rope and called Wyatt over.  Hitting is an automatic time out.  He accepts this.  He sits down.  He asks for some water, that's okay with me.  I'm getting the water and the mom of the boy that Wyatt hit came over with her son.

Her son has a scratch on his face.  She looks at me and says quite angrily, your son did this.  I feel terrible.  I think all moms feel terrible when their children make bad choices.  I think, it's important for Wyatt to see this and to know that he caused this boy pain.  Wyatt is at my side by this point and I pick him up and say to him, Wyatt you scratched his face.  He is crying because you hurt him.  Do you see his tears?  You are not allowed to hurt somebody else.  You are not allowed to scratch.

Wyatt looks at the boy and sees his tears and he says "I'm sorry!".  Then the mother says to Wyatt in a voice that is so full of anger and venom that it would make an adult uncomfortable, "SORRY IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!  YOU'RE NOT SORRY YOU LITTLE BRAT!"  Whoa, my mom instinct took over and I turned Wyatt away from her and shouted back...  "Stop! You may not yell at my son.  You speak to me!  He is 3 years old.  You speak to me.  I am responsible, I will discipline him."  She looked at me and yelled, "WELL THEN DO IT!".  Then she walked away.

ugh.  I was totally rattled. 

Look, I can totally understand being angry that your child was hurt by another child.  I completely agree that scratching is never allowed.  I also know that Wyatt, although he was tired and making bad choices, did not scratch her son unprovoked.  It takes two.   

I am not a mom who spanks her children.  I am not a mom that is going to yell at them.  I think the only way to teach them to be loving and compassionate is to show them love and compassion.  Wyatt lost some of his privileges and he had to go to bed early because of his bad choices.  Did she expect that I would hit or yell at him in front of her to make her feel good?  Who parents like that?  You have to parent for the long haul.  Hitting or yelling at your children in public (or in private) so that another adult feels satisfied will only lead to disaster as the children get older.  

I wish more parents understood that we need to band together and support one another.  All children make bad choices sometimes.  All children go through a hitting phase.  I am not proud of him for it.  I'm actually feeling quite challenged by it at the moment.  Wyatt is my only son.  The girls went through the hitting phase at two (as did Wyatt), but then they learned or out grew it and it was over (mostly).  It seems to have re-surged with Wyatt.  I don't know if it's hormonal or what, but it seems to be more difficult for him to control.  I'm reading books, I'm trying new discipline strategies.  I'm really sorry that another child is suffering from Wyatt's learning curve.  Please understand, Wyatt too has been on the receiving end.    

I think it's fair to say that 3 year-old children have poor impulse control.  I'm working with him on it and he is getting better, but some of it we have to wait out.  I'm really sorry that my son hurt another child.  However, it is not okay for another adult to raise their voice to my child.  I am not going to keep my children locked up inside away from other children because they haven't mastered self control or discipline.  They have to interact with others in order to learn it.

This other mother was so busy being angry at my son, that she never hugged her son and tended to his wound.  She was pushing him towards the water and roughly splashing water on his face.  The scratch looked like it hurt, but nothing that wouldn't heal.  I think a hug would have gone a long way. 

I guess the lesson I have learned from this event is that I will stand up for my children.  I hate confrontation.  I was rattled and upset for the rest of the evening, I was restless all night and I couldn't sleep.  But, in the moment, when it counted, Wyatt had a mom who was there to protect him.  Wyatt learned that I will love and accept him no matter what and I will stand up for him.  I will try to find a good lesson to learn in every situation.